Best adult jokes.

[magnatek]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".

[Scarlett5]

Great one I really enjoyed it thanks for sharing with us. One such story that comes to my mind when a friend of mind were chasing a cat and suddenly her bra came of and everybody just get a chance to check her private properties. Though I am not supposed to tell this story here so I am not saying her name here.

[babenheim]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."

The first man asks "Can I make a wish?

" Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head!

And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

[JTass]

A young couple took their 7-year-old son on his first trip to the circus. Just as the elephants came parading into the ring, the father got up to get more popcorn and drinks for the family.
The boy excitedly claps his hands, then pauses and asks his mother, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
The mother replied, "That's the elephant's trunk, dear."
"No," said the boy, "on the other end. What's that?"
"Oh," said the mother, "that's the elephant's tail."
"No, not his tail. What's that underneath?"
The mother blushes furiously and says, "Umm, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Just then, the father returns with the drinks and snacks and the mother goes off to compose herself.
The boy then asks his father the same question, hoping for a more satisfactory answer, "Dad, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what the elephant's trunk is, and I know what the elephant's tail is!" exclaims the boy. "What's that down there underneath?"
The father takes a breath, and calmly explains, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"Oh," says the boy. He thinks for a few seconds, then asks, "Dad, when I asked mom, how come she said it was nothing?"
The father grins and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[RedheadFrankie]

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[JaneMart]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[pornstar69]

Found these ones to be the best, enjoy!

1. Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

2. Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

3. One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

[RedheadFrankie]

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

[Namcot]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."


He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and
she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name..."


"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[RedheadFrankie]

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one girl suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, a girl turned to her new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the guys are doing?"

Life and beer are similar...chill for best results.

A soccer ball walks into a bar, the bartender kicks him out.
A neutron walks into a bar. The bartender hands him a beer and says, your you, no charge.
A dyslexic guy walks in to a bra.

Why are bikinis so expensive, all they do is hold boobs, I can do it for free.