Freakzilla's Joke Thread

[FREAKZILLA]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it.

Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They
downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy I don't think I can do any more o'
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[FREAKZILLA]

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[FREAKZILLA]

Sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

[FREAKZILLA]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they
stopped in the darkened cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would
take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she wiped herself with the ribbon.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day the one woman's husband was concerned that his
normallysweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned theother husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst...
my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you."

[FREAKZILLA]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "You're next!"

[FREAKZILLA]

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

[FREAKZILLA]

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.
Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She
says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want."
Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

[FREAKZILLA]

ICEBREAKER


A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.

Red=Cherry
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange
Yellow=Lemon

Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"

Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out there assholes"

[FREAKZILLA]

There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"

[FREAKZILLA]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."