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12th April 2011, 19:25 | #21 |
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A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!" |
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12th April 2011, 19:27 | #22 |
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On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick. The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator". |
12th April 2011, 19:28 | #23 |
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There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. About that time two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane. On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it round with he cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying, "There is no justice in the world." The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "look at that." When I was 20..... I was curious about it When I was 30..... I enjoyed it When I was 40..... I asked for it When I was 50..... I paid for it When I was 60..... I prayed for it When I was 70..... I forgot about it And now that I am 80, the damned thing is growing wild, and I'm too old to squat." |
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12th April 2011, 19:29 | #24 |
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One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days" The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods. Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women." The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee." The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over. The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked. "Just checking for bees." replied the boy. |
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12th April 2011, 19:29 | #25 |
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An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it." "Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom." |
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12th April 2011, 19:31 | #26 |
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An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago. |
12th April 2011, 19:31 | #27 |
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After working together for some time Dick and Jane's office
romance blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very difficult to 'enter', but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to Jane, "If I had known that you were a Virgin, I would've taken more time!" To which Jane replies,"If I'd known that you had more time, I would have taken off my Pantyhose!". |
12th April 2011, 19:32 | #28 |
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal!" |
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12th April 2011, 19:33 | #29 |
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Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks." |
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12th April 2011, 19:34 | #30 |
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There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while, he approaches the group of lads and pointing at the one in the middle shouts, "I've shagged your mum!"
The three guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mum's sucked my cock!" The same thing happens - he then continues to drink, alone at the bar. Ten minutes later he's back again and announces, "Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!" By now the young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look dad, you're drunk, now piss off home!" |
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