Freakzilla's Joke Thread

[FREAKZILLA]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a
big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.

[FREAKZILLA]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk,


A carton of eggs,


A quart of orange juice,


A head of romaine lettuce,


A 2 lb. can of coffee, and


A 1 lb. package of bacon.


As I was unloading my items on the conveyor


Belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched


as I placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,


"You must be single."


I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the


derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items


on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're


absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"





The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[FREAKZILLA]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.
She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.
I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..


"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[FREAKZILLA]

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in
Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she
started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In
considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining
room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited
for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he
replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area."

[FREAKZILLA]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" He looked
at the first man on his right.
The man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
Fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
"It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, Or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you !!!!

[FREAKZILLA]

Hillary is taking a stroll when she comes upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious. HIllary asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"

She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show her.

"How nice," says Hillary. "What kind are they?" The little girl says, "Democrats."

Hillary smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.

Three weeks later, Hillary is taking another stroll, this time with Bill.

They see the little girl again with the same basket. Hillary says, "Watch this, Bill; it's really cute." They approach the little girl.

Hillary greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine."

Then, smirking, she nudges Bill with his elbow and asks the littl e girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?" She replies, "Republicans"

Abashed, Hillary says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!"

"I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

[FREAKZILLA]

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and
the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes
him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers:"Do you really think I'm going to fire up
this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"

[FREAKZILLA]

ANSWERS TO GOOD QUESTIONS

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

How can you piss off your wife while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.

What's the down side to a threesome?
You could disappoint two women instead of just one.

How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Why were hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car

[FREAKZILLA]

There are two gay guys inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realizes they're out of Vaseline! So one of the guys tells the other he'll be back in a while, with more Vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he sees cum all over the walls and floor. This angers him and enraged he asks the other guy, "Why did you jack-off?" Then the other gay says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."

[FREAKZILLA]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten
million bucks.

The bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his
attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about!"

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the

bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."