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22nd September 2011, 11:18 | #1 |
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azazeal's Joke Of The Day
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Stafford Hospital . When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." |
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23rd September 2011, 05:10 | #2 |
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The Golfer
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer says, "Sure," and sinks the putt. Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says: "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, then he makes the eagle and wins the match. As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley." |
24th September 2011, 13:40 | #3 |
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UK helps our American cousins out!
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week." Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?" Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans." Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL |
26th September 2011, 04:31 | #4 |
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Behinh You
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4th October 2011, 06:06 | #5 |
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Laft
Last edited by azazeal; 4th October 2011 at 06:26. Reason: wrong link posted |
4th October 2011, 06:22 | #6 |
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Thanked 97 Times in 29 Posts
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8th October 2011, 11:16 | #7 |
Junior Member
Newbie Join Date: Sep 2011
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Thanks: 84
Thanked 97 Times in 29 Posts
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Quasimodo's replacement
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms!' 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'. 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, ( scroll down ) ' ................ BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL' WAIT! WAIT! There's more… The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.' The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is this man?' the first monk asked breathlessly. 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...' (. . .. Wait for it ...) 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.' |
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12th October 2011, 08:37 | #8 |
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Prayer for Dad
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29th October 2011, 19:32 | #9 |
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Newbie Join Date: Sep 2011
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Who is so smart now?
A very clever and real pretty lady but says she's not so smart.
Just can't agree http://youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=eIA1VS2bDa4 Cant argue with that! aza |
13th November 2011, 07:08 | #10 |
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Sperm Count. Who's counting anyway?
It's Hell to be Old OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. “Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” The old man replied, “Yep! None of us could get the jar open!” |
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