Jokes Thread - Text Only

[mavruda]

Guys... I've heard that joke couple of days ago... sorry for the typos and all... I hope though you will get the funny part of all this.

THE AWESOME COW

A lonesome farmer had a strange habit - to go and speak to his cow inside the barn. And he had awesome cow - more than 4 gallons of milk each day! - Hey cow - you were awesome until now, and you're giving me a lot of milk, but I need sex. If you were woman I would make love to you, but you're cow. So I decided to go to the market and sell you for a single fuck.

The neighbour house was very close to the barn, and the woman there heard all the talk. Very excited, because she knew the cow was awesome she got back to her grown up daughter and told her about the cow. - My dear - I'm gonna let the neighbor fuck me once and I will get that cow! More than 4 gallons ofmilk every day! - That's awesome mom - the daughter said. The next day the mother went to the market and saw the neighbor. - How much is for the cow / she pretended she did not knew a thing about the price/. - Nothing - I'm lonely and I would give the cow to those who will have sex with me. - Okay - I'm in - the woman said. Count me in - I will get that cow. - That's great - the farmer said - but there's one condition - you shall not fart during the sex!

Otherwise you won't get the cow ! - Not a problem the woman said. - Okay meet me on the crossroad - near to the big old tree. They met there and the guy told her to bend over and to hug the big tree. BUT The farmer had big shlong. It was HUGE actually ! So when he started to fuck her - the woman could not hold the pressure and farted ! BANG! - Oh neighbor - pull it out, pull it out - I farted ! - Yeah - I've heard - no cow for you sorry, let me finish though. The woman was depressed - and the farmer told her - you should not be worried - I will give you the milk. She went back at home and told her daughter - Honey -you're younger and stronger - you should get that cow for us - don't forget more than 4 gallons of milk EVERY DAY! And so - Both - mother and daughter went to the house of the farmer

- it was afternoon.
- Good afternoon, ladies - you are here for the milk , right ? - No... - the mother said - we actually here to get the cow. I want you to Let my daughter try to get it. - Sure - but the condition is the same. No farts! You will have to hold her hands, in case she decide to scratch my face ! - the woman agreed and the farmer pulled out his trunk. The daughter could not handle it too and started to fart a lot, while the mother was holding her hands. - Sorry no cow. Both - mother and daughter went back at home -walking with legs crossed both of them. At home they started to cry. Shortly the husband came back and asked - what's going on here - why are you crying ?!? The mother told her husband what's going on - the neighbor, the cow - 4 gallons of milk everyday etc.

-WE CANNOT miss that cow !!!! - Jesus woman !!! What do you want me to do? - the father said. - You should try to get that cow from the neighbor! It won't be a problem - you have just one hole - so there will be no way for farts... - In the mean time the mother sent the daughter to observe what will going to happen and to get back and tell her if the man was able to get that cow.

It was evening time when the husband knocked on the door of the farmer. - Evening ! I'm here for the cow!- - Okay - lets do it on the outside - bend over on the meadow - I can't let you inside of the house - inside I sleep - I don't fuck. The condition is when I start fucking you - you should remain silent!

Otherwise no cow! - so the poor guy bent over and the farmer pulled out his THANG. Oh The horror! The pain. The husband was so in pain he googled his eyes, and started to tear off the grass with his bare hands - that because of the pain - but he remained silent - that cow was important - remember ?! 4 gallons of milk every day! The daughter saw everything and very fast ran back home.

- Mom ! Dad got the cow ! - Wow - finally ! How so ? How can you be so sure ?! - I'm sure, because I saw dad started to tear and gather grass for the cow already!

[prahan]

THE RED PHONE

This is a joke that I often tell, with my own embellishments, while on lecture tours in India. You’ll see why.

There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.

“Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”

“Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”

“No, not at all,” the Pope responded.

So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.

The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”

“Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.

“Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”

So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.

Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.

“Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.

“Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”

“Please do,” responded the priest.

So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”

The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”

“What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”

“Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”

[franky6]

Whoa! Way too much to read man. What ever happened to knock knock jokes?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Smell Map
Smell Map who?
EWWW your fucking disgusting!

[smallwoodenruler]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
The bloke who's come to fix your door-bell.

[!Jon Snow!]

Monthly Bleeding

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

----

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Madam!
Madam who?

[apiton]

The Three Pigeons

In classroom full of 8 year old students a teacher posed a question.

"If 3 pigeons are sitting on a washing line and I shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

After a moment of silence the teacher called on the only student whose hand was in the air. Eric was her star student and was always ready for a challenge. She asked Eric to come to the front of the classroom and answer the question.

She said again. "If 3 pigeons are sitting on a washing line and I shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

Eric looked at her and said. "Well Miss, if there are 3 piegons on a washing line and you shoot one of them, one will die and the other 2 will fly away because of the noise."

The teacher looked at Eric and said "Well that wasn't the answer I was looking for, it was 2, but I like the way you think."

She asked Eric to go back to his desk but he turned around and said "I have a question for you Miss."

Since she thought he'd done well with her question she said "ok."

So he began. "There are 3 women sitting on a park bench all with lollypops in their hands. One of the women is licking her lolly, one is nibbling her lolly, and the other is sucking her lolly. Which one is married?"

Feeling rather embarrassed by the question but also obligated to answer the teacher said "The woman who is sucking her lolly?"

Eric looked at her and said "No Miss, it is the one with a ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

**********************************************************************


Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

********************************************************************


A Nun in the bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous- of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[xsergiu]

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

[Namcot]

6 Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary.

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary..
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

'My Goodness!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room..

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths’
And nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed...

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel? ' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jack was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[La Astra]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale:

- Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him:

- Look - she said - I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

[annalena]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate." Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you’re thinking of a blowjob."