Jokes From Around The Net

[OldBoots]

Subject: Offensive humor


* I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex. For instance, "I’m tired." "I’m washing my hair." "I’ve got a headache." "I'm your sister."

* A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"

* I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

* A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

* Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

* A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

* Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it’s worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

* Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

* My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going." I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cuz when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

* The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

* Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans. I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

[OldBoots]

Sensitivity Training

* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair; but, by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I
converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

* My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 25, and her name is Betty.

* I went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm
50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better
stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries.

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

* The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose
only reaches the driveway.

[OldBoots]

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies too."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me!"

[OldBoots]

Cooter and Gomer

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.” “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the government. One in the Cinncinatti IRS office and the other in the Justice Department.

[OldBoots]

Snow White

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black" (the non racist version of "Snow White") has been put on hold .

All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and MoFo, have refused to sing "Hi Hoe"

They also say they have no intention of "Going off to work".

[alexora]

At a blind corner on a remote country road, two automobiles come to a crashing halt when they hit each other in a head-on collision.

The two cars are a total write-off, but somehow the drivers are unharmed, and manage to crawl out of the twisted wreckage.

They are a man and a woman.

The woman, an attractive young lady, says: " Oh my God! We're both OK: this is a miracle!".

The man nods, saying: "Indeed it is!".

The woman then says: "This must be God's will: a man and a woman meeting like this."

She reaches into her car and pulls out a bottle of Champagne: "Here's another miracle: this bottle also survived intact.
God obviously want's us to celebrate!".

With a loud pop, she removes the cork and hands the bottle to the man who, still dazed by the impact, puts it to his mouth and swallows half the contents.

He hand it back to the young lady, but she simply tosses it into the bushes.

Man: "Aren't you going to have any?".

Woman: " No: I'm just going to wait for the accident investigators"...

[OldBoots]

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkinson, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkinson exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkinson said, “Give me the bad News first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.

"Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkinson. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.

Stunned, Mr. Wilkinson demanded, "If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

[OldBoots]

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, "fat chance," with a face like that!

[OldBoots]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (Part 1)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’ ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all..’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

[OldBoots]

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (Part 2)

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s
advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.

The grave side service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’