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Old 20th October 2008, 23:49   #1
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Default The Planet Suzy Halloween Joke Thread

Please feel free to post any and all Halloween related text-only jokes in this
thread. I will post a few to get things going




Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

One usually makes a better pie.

They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you.

If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush-filled head.

A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
Last edited by wildwest08; 19th December 2023 at 10:28.
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Old 20th October 2008, 23:50   #2
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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock
on the door of a house and the man who answers it
says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you
supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're
black!" So, they go off and a whilelater they come back dressed differently. They ring
the door bell and once again and the man opens the
door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you
this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be
Hansel and Gretel because
you're black!" Once again they leave. Not too much
later the man hears
the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door
there stands the two children but this time they are
BUCK NAKED."Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be
now?!" he asks.
"Chocolate M &M's," said the little girl.
"I'm plain. He's got nuts."
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Old 21st October 2008, 04:39   #3
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
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Old 21st October 2008, 21:20   #4
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A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
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Old 21st October 2008, 21:24   #5
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A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"
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Old 23rd October 2008, 18:48   #6
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Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. Where does Dracula water ski?
A. On Lake Erie

Q. Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
A. At the blood bank.

Q. When does a ghost need a license?
A. During "haunting" season.

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist.

Q. What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
A. Spelling

Q. What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A. A dead ringer.

Q. What do little ghosts drink?
A. Evaporated milk.

Q. What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
A. Decoffinated!

Q. What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A. Five after one.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream
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Old 24th October 2008, 18:17   #7
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Default

Q. What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A. A blood vessel

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A. Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q. What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
A. "You are driving me batty."

Q. What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
A. The dentist!

Q. What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
A. Handburgers.

Q. What do spooks call their Navy?
A. The ghost guard.

Q. What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A. Squash

Q. Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q. Why do witches think they're funny?
A. Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Q. Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
A. He had heard that they needed a little team spirit !

Q. Why don't skeletons like to eat spicy food?
A. They can't stomach it!
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Old 28th October 2008, 19:27   #8
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Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
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Old 29th October 2008, 22:01   #9
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An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Where upon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?" and he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."
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Old 20th October 2009, 18:31   #10
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Default The Official Planet Suzy Halloween Thread

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone
else,because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
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