Jokes Thread - Text Only

[allworkboy]

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

[Tallifer]

Some days I go into work and identify with being someone thin even though I am fat.

I'm translender

[allworkboy]

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck.

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."

[Tallifer]

At a future mob rally -
Leader: "What do we want?!"
Mob: "TIME TRAVEL!"
Leader: "When do we want it?!"
Mob: "Really doesn't matter."

[chokes999]

A drunk is stumbling through the woods, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He staggers into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns and asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk slurs, "Not yet!" The preacher, shocked, dunks him again pushing the drunk deep into the water.

The Preacher pulls him out and shouts, "Have you found the Lord!" The drunk sputtering and gagging, "No, not yet!"

The preacher at his wits end and dunks the drunk again, this time putting his foot on him and holding him down. The drunk begins to wave his arms, kick his legs and when he is about to panic, the Preacher pulls him from the water.

Shouting, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk gasping and coughing up water, leans on the Preacher and shouts, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[skydude]

A traveling ventriloquist was walking through the country and came across a Chinese farmer tending to his animals. The ventriloquist decided to have a little fun, and says to the farmer, "Hey, do any of your animals talk?" The farmer scoffed "Animals no talk... Get out of here."

The ventriloquist pointed to a horse and said "I bet that horse can talk." He threw his voice and made it appear that the horse was talking and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer's mean - he makes me drag a heavy plow in a hot field all day. Why would I talk to him!"

The Chinese farmer was flabbergasted, but the ventriloquist went on. "And how about that dog? Does he talk?" The farmer shook his head, a bit less certain this time "Dog no talk..."
The ventriloquist threw his voice to the dog and said "Of course I can talk! But that farmer only feeds me scraps and kicks me when he's drunk. Why would I talk to him?"

The farmer is astonished, but the ventriloquist isn't finished yet. "How about that sheep? Do you suppose she can talk, too?"

The farmer was quick to answer "No talk to sheep! Sheep lie!"

[Tallifer]

Spare a thought at this difficult time for all the claustrophobic hypochondriacs out there....

[allworkboy]

A Cowboy from Texas walks into a bar in Montana

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Tallifer]

I went to the doctors as I was struggling at work and he wrote me a prescription for daily sex!!!!

Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be for dyslexia

[redmond]

A middle-aged Scandewegian couple go on their second honeymoon as a driving holiday in Wales because of its beautiful scenery and friendly people. They reach a small village and are enchanted by its loveliness. But they've missed the sign giving its Welsh name, which is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (which means: St Mary's Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of Llantysilio of the Red Cave].
Keen to know where there are they pull over next to a rusticised but obviously modern fast food place. They enter and see a young woman in traditional Welsh dress and tall hat behind the counter.
"Excuse me," says the wife."We're here on a driving holiday and would love to know the name of this beautiful place. Please tell us and we'll let our friends know so they can come too."
The young woman is obviously surprised by the question, but she takes a deep breath and says very clearly and very slowly ...
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> ... B.U.R.G.E.R_K.I.N.G