23rd December 2008, 10:54 | #81 |
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YUPPIE CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru' the condo, Not a creature was stirring whose car had known Bondo. The Gucci's were hung by the chimney with care In hopes that the neighbors would notice them there. The dependents were nestled, all snug in their beds While Porsches and charge accounts danced in their heads And my dove and I, watching T.V. cable stations Had just settled down to three weeks paid vacation. When out in the drive there arose such a clamor My wife lost her place in a story in Glamour. To the window I had the man run, like a flash To make sure it was garbagemen taking the trash. But he said, "It's a lawyer, sir, parking his car. I fear it's a Jetta, and in THIS front yard! Shall I sound the alarm?" "Yes, don't let him inside! My ex must want more alimony," I cried. But though servants locked windows and barred the front door, Our defense was as loose as a two-dollar whore. For just as back in the Jacuzzi I stepped, A soot-suited man from the fireplace lept. "I flew down the flue," he informed, and I sighed. "That sure puts a damper on things," I replied He was dressed in a suit, with three pieces and tie, But I saw he'd forgotten to zip up his fly. He had a long nose that resembled a dork, And his beady eyes begged to be poked with a fork. With only these words, "You poor Ivy-leagued jerk! This isn't your day!" he went straight to his work. Beneath the aluminum tree he did crouch, And took all of our presents to put in his pouch. The TV's and stereos, jewlery and clothes, All went into his Hefty, and then he arose. He crossed the fireplace, turning his back... And emptied our stockings out into the sack. But just as I thought that was all I would lose, He went to the kitchen and drank all my booze. Then he dumped all our silverware into the bag, And added the new VCR to his swag. Our Waterford crystal, our Tiffany lamps, My son's Telecaster and thousand-watt amps, My Princeton diploma was yanked off the wall And twenty sports jackets from out in the hall. My antique collection, the wife's diamond rings, He ransacked the house and took all of our things! But when he had stacked all the bags by the door, Well, I brought our my Doberman and said "Listen you boor! You've invaded our privacy - I know the law! KILL, Charger, KILL!" But the lawyer guffawed, And laying a finger aside of his nose Gave a honk, and blew snot - all over my clothes. He grabbed a dry breadstick and took my dog's life, Then ran to the bedroom and ravished my wife! Now, I really was peeved! "Sir, I'll see you in court! You can't do such things to collect non-support!" But he laughed, "Non-support?" as he got off my spouse. "Tomorrow they're coming to take down your house. And soon the policemen will drag you away. Your own Uncle Sam's repossessing today!" "You mean you aren't my ex-wife's attorney?" I asked, while he loaded my gold Lamborghini. He laughed as he dashed away into the night, And tossed a grenade which blew out my porch light. But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "Damn, your wife was awfully tight. What's more, 'Alimony'?? My Gawd... Man, you're going to prision for income tax fraud." |
23rd December 2008, 10:55 | #82 |
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Hippie Style
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house, Things were real mellow... Even Irving, the Mouse. Our boots were hung up, The incense was lit, In hope that St. Nick Would soon do his bit. The tree was decked out; It was really a sight, With love beads and flowers And a flashing strobe light. Wearing my T-shirt From Woodstock Nation, I was getting into some good meditation. And my chick was doing some yoga in bed, munching a fruit cake, While propped on her head. Then...pow!!...in the night... ...a hullabaloo! It shook the waterbed And woke up old Blue. I stumbled around And tripped on my beard. It stuck to my toes And felt really weird. When I got to the window, I was really uptight, 'cause the scene I perceived Was a mind blowing sight! What through my shades Did I see through the snow, But eight tiny mooses And a wild U.F.O.! With this hip dude inside, Looking kinky and groovy... I flashed..."If this ain't Nick It must be the late movie." They blew in from the cosmos Like some far-out caboose And this fat cat kept yelling At each midget moose: "Right on, Dasher! On, Dancer! GET IT ON...DO YOUR THING. Get your bods in high gear, now, And move this machine!" Then onto the roof They flew with a shout, The whole Cosmic Crew Really freaked me out! They caused such a hassle And made such a fuss, I thought someone would call The fuzz down on us. But before I could say, "COOL IT!... HOLD DOWN THAT LOUD JIVE," Nick zapped toward the chimney And leaped in with a dive! As he trucked from the fireplace, His smile all agleam, I thought, "ITS UNREAL! It must be a dream!" Then he nodded and said, "This isn't a bummer... Like, I've come in peace, To groove my Yule Number." His duds were all fur, Trimmed in leather and such And he came on stone funky... ...he was really too much. His back pack was painted With black light festoon, Full of albums and posters And a neon balloon. His eyes, a light show! His beard, da-glo bright! A plastic, fantastic, Kaleidoscope sight! He looked like a guru, This beautiful cat... ...I thought, like, wow! ...This dude knows where its at! "Don't want to sound heavy," He said with a grin, "My message is simple So dig it, tune in." "I brought you some goodies, But that's not the thing. My real trip is bringing Good vibes to this scene." So we rapped until dawn About Peace, Love and Truth, Then he said, "Gotta split, now, Or I'll be late in Duluth." He wiggled his nose and said, "I did my bit" And straight up the smoke hole This fat cat did split! As he sped from the roof And into the air, He shouted, "Let's get it together, All you people down there!" "Merry Christmas To All And to all a Good Night!" And then in a flash, He streaked outta sight! |
23rd December 2008, 19:06 | #83 |
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Signs Santa Has Marraige Problems
He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear". He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants. |
24th December 2008, 08:12 | #84 |
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Christmas Ornaments
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop "Give me four of those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer, and one of those bent-over, fat Mrs. Santas with the ridiculous bloomers." The shop owner "That'll be eighty dollars for the elves, fifty dollars for the big reindeer, twenty dollars for the small reindeer, and a big apology for my wife!" |
24th December 2008, 08:23 | #85 |
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Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Child
10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!" 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed 5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list 4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!" 2. Labels on all your kid's toys and clothes read "Straight from the trash heap to you" 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!" |
25th December 2008, 04:51 | #87 |
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Torturing Santa
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. " Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us." |
25th December 2008, 04:52 | #88 |
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Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. 4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. 2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day 1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck. |
25th December 2008, 04:53 | #89 |
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Naughty Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat, The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel" he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, so I'll just stay here a while." He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun, with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, \ And a six pack of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things I shouldn't even mention. A fuck ring, a g-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leav'em here, and then I'll haveta split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug left under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!" |
25th December 2008, 06:14 | #90 |
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The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop
14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular." 13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had -- cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..." 12. "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are downright frightening!" 11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'" 10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line." 9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??" 8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!" 7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!" 6. "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!" 5. "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!" 4. "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC run this year -- it's a height thing." 3. "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a 'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'" 2. "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats will never know the difference." 1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!" |
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