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dublin666 · 15th August 2013, 16:25

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish shop?

Morning ladies

gammawave · 15th August 2013, 16:39

I couldn't believe it when I found out that you can donate sperm by mail, I came in a jiffy!

phcavan · 20th August 2013, 23:10

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

phcavan · 20th August 2013, 23:11

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
...
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up. You've shit the feckin' bed!

!Jon Snow! · 20th August 2013, 23:45

Little Reggie

When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.

"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.

So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.

No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared.

"I am a sergeant!" he bellowed.

"I am a dope," whispered Reggie.

!Jon Snow! · 26th August 2013, 16:51

Young Boy asks Old Man

Boy: Grandpa, what are you reading??

Grandpa: A history book.

Boy: But thats a sex book

Grandpa: I know, that's history to me....

!Jon Snow! · 28th August 2013, 17:07

Not me

A man goes to a chemist and asks for a cure for hiccups. The chemist makes the man bend over and gives him a hard slap on his back and asks, "Have they gone?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife's in the car but I'll check..."

!Jon Snow! · 20th September 2013, 21:18

Men will be men always

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

nitobe · 20th September 2013, 21:27

Two roosters were standing in front of butchery and one said:

"Shall we go inside and watch naked hens?"

phcavan · 8th October 2013, 00:05

What does a priest and a mother have in common?

They both rear children.

20th August 2013, 23:10	#63
phcavan Registered User Addicted Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 785 Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 2,748 Times in 710 Posts	Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken! __________________ "Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral."

20th August 2013, 23:11	#64
phcavan Registered User Addicted Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 785 Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 2,748 Times in 710 Posts	Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' ... Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up. You've shit the feckin' bed! __________________ "Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral."

20th August 2013, 23:45	#65
!Jon Snow! You Know Nothing, Jon Snow Clinically Insane Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Westeros Posts: 4,255 Thanks: 15,841 Thanked 31,840 Times in 4,163 Posts	Little Reggie When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough. "That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said. So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth. "Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted. No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared. "I am a sergeant!" he bellowed. "I am a dope," whispered Reggie. __________________

26th August 2013, 16:51	#66
!Jon Snow! You Know Nothing, Jon Snow Clinically Insane Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Westeros Posts: 4,255 Thanks: 15,841 Thanked 31,840 Times in 4,163 Posts	Young Boy asks Old Man Boy: Grandpa, what are you reading?? Grandpa: A history book. Boy: But thats a sex book Grandpa: I know, that's history to me.... __________________ Last edited by !Jon Snow!; 28th August 2013 at 17:08.

28th August 2013, 17:07	#67
!Jon Snow! You Know Nothing, Jon Snow Clinically Insane Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Westeros Posts: 4,255 Thanks: 15,841 Thanked 31,840 Times in 4,163 Posts	Not me A man goes to a chemist and asks for a cure for hiccups. The chemist makes the man bend over and gives him a hard slap on his back and asks, "Have they gone?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife's in the car but I'll check..." __________________

15th August 2013, 16:25	#61
dublin666 Forum Lord Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 1,836 Thanks: 3,324 Thanked 16,445 Times in 1,824 Posts	What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish shop? Morning ladies

15th August 2013, 16:39	#62
gammawave Registered User Novice Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 63 Thanks: 543 Thanked 206 Times in 57 Posts	I couldn't believe it when I found out that you can donate sperm by mail, I came in a jiffy!

20th September 2013, 21:18	#68
!Jon Snow! You Know Nothing, Jon Snow Clinically Insane Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Westeros Posts: 4,255 Thanks: 15,841 Thanked 31,840 Times in 4,163 Posts	Men will be men always A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear?” She asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.” __________________

20th September 2013, 21:27	#69
nitobe Muddy Village Hillbilly Beyond Redemption Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Between Wife's Legs Posts: 33,000 Thanks: 68,568 Thanked 517,558 Times in 30,486 Posts	Two roosters were standing in front of butchery and one said: "Shall we go inside and watch naked hens?"

8th October 2013, 00:05	#70
phcavan Registered User Addicted Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 785 Thanks: 3,203 Thanked 2,748 Times in 710 Posts	What does a priest and a mother have in common? They both rear children. __________________ "Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral."