Freakzilla's Joke Thread

[FREAKZILLA]

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to return home because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make an impression on this new client. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No, absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

[FREAKZILLA]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[FREAKZILLA]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife,

"Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices...
1 You come fishing with me and the dog...
2 You give me a BLOW JOB....
3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[FREAKZILLA]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"

[FREAKZILLA]

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room phone down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me six fried eggs, nine sausages, 12 slices of toast, and six liters of orange juice."

The guy at room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"

[FREAKZILLA]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[FREAKZILLA]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Shit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[FREAKZILLA]

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district
manager of the sales department. Just four short months later,
you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to
retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you
say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

[FREAKZILLA]

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem. He had to have his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."

The man said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"

"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!"

The man said, "Oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"

"Yes."

"What's in the third box?" The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"

The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"

"YES SIR!"
The man had just one more question, "Does it come in white?"

[FREAKZILLA]

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies
suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of
getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with
your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up
because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew
because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high
fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,
but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a
soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"