Freakzilla's Joke Thread

[FREAKZILLA]

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[FREAKZILLA]

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.

[FREAKZILLA]

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"



"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose dick is on his face."

[FREAKZILLA]

This actually was quite hilarious! This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. When you are done, send it back to the person that sent it to you and your other friends. Title your email "My fine is $........"
You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. $1,110.60 is the Max

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with the a different race -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone - - $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50 <-- if you don't add this in, you're lying LOL
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Tally it up and Title it..."My Fine Is..." Then send it to friends and the person that sent it to you. $1,110.60 is the Max

[FREAKZILLA]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She read many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for
the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed,
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE..'

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the
heavens the voice bellowed,

'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end
of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her
hole.

The voice came once more, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 'IS THAT YOU, GOD?'

The voice replied, 'NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER .'

[FREAKZILLA]

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side
by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly
and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then
replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

[FREAKZILLA]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[FREAKZILLA]

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG
!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the
casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !

[FREAKZILLA]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[FREAKZILLA]

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and
worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"