Freakzilla's Joke Thread

[FREAKZILLA]

The surgeon said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches of 20 years.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, your headache is caused by your testicles pressing on your spine and the pressure going to your head.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But Joe had no life as such for the past 20 years anyway. It was ruined by this nasty headache he suffered day and night. Joe had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, Joe was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

Joe still felt a bit depressed and thought he had to do something to get out of it!

As he walked down the street, Joe realized that he could make a new beginning and live a new life. He felt like a different person already.

Joe saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That' what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman in the suits department, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44, Long…'

Joe smiled in agreement, 'That's right, how did you know?'

‘Been in the business 60 years, sir!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The experienced tailor eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised. 'That's right! How did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years', beamed the elderly salesman with pride.

Joe tried the shirt on and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the experienced elderly salesman asked again, 'How about some new underwear, sir?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, why not?'

The salesman said, 'Let's see.... size 36...
Joe laughed, 'Aha! Gotcha! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18.'

The salesman shook his head, 'Oh, no, no, no. You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine… and give you one hell of a headache.'

[FREAKZILLA]

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

[FREAKZILLA]

In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard... "

[FREAKZILLA]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[FREAKZILLA]

I once took a sex-education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.
The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another student, there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."
The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."
And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.
Finally she said, "Only one, sir."
And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"
"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
From the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!

[FREAKZILLA]

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

[FREAKZILLA]

An Italian man was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem. He had to have his penis amputated. He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor. The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."

The man said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"

"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000!"

The man said, "Oh yea, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"

"Yes."

"What's in the third box?" The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000!"

The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"

"YES SIR!"
The man had just one more question, "Does it come in white?"

[FREAKZILLA]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and vodka and had tons of money in the bank
and left the toilet seat up whenever he wanted.

[FREAKZILLA]

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.

So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde.

Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."

Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK."

They get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." He says, ..."That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda."

[FREAKZILLA]

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'that was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

the older woman felt very low -tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to
the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........well, will you look at that....i'm getting a fax!!