Freakzilla's Joke Thread

[FREAKZILLA]

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So...the fairy waved her magic wand and -poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember

fairies are female.....

[FREAKZILLA]

Carl was becoming more worried with the problem of rising crime, so he
felt he needed to protect him and his wife from burglary. He decided he
was going to buy a watch dog, and he set off for the pet store.
When he gets to the store, he looks around but can't find a dog that is
big enough or loud enough to scare away a flea, much less an intruder.
So, he
starts to leave when he hears, "Aawk! Come here! Aawk! Come here!" He
turns
around and a parrot is motioning to him with its wing. Carl isn't
sure if
he is seeing things so he rubs his eyes. The parrot is still waiving to
him so he goes over.
The parrot says to Carl, "Aawk, can't find a dog?"
"Well, no" replies Carl. "Not the kind I want. I need a watch dog."
"Aawk! Then buy me. I'm better than a dog. Aawk."
"How's that?" asks Carl.
"Aawk! Well, I'm smarter than a dog. If someone breaks in, I can tell
you
exactly what they look like and what they took. Aawk!"
Carl thinks for a minute and then finally agrees. "Aawk! Just one
thing.
I don't have any legs."
"How are you sitting on that perch then?"
"Aawk! I just wrap my penis around it. Mine's pretty long. Aawk!"
Carl doesn't see any problems so he buys the bird, a cage and takes it
home.

The next day after work when Carl gets home, he asks the bird if
anything
happened. "Aawk! Your wife came home for lunch today."
"So. That's no big deal. She usually does that."
"Aawk! and Bob, your next door neighbor came over."
"That's no big deal either. We are all like family in this
neighborhood."
"Aawk! They went into the living room and sat on the sofa."
"Yeah. So what's the big deal?"
"Aawk! They started kissing."
"They did?! What happened next. Tell me!"
"Aawk! He took her shirt off and began rubbing on her breasts."
"What!? Tell me more!"
"Aawk! He then unzipped her pants and took them off."
"Oh, I'm pissed now!! Tell me more! What happened next?"
"Aawk! I don't know! I don't know!"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Aawk! My dick got hard and I fell off the perch! Aawk!"

[FREAKZILLA]

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens
to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The
first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this
one, which is called Lipshitz."
"What a diamond!"
"How lucky you are!"
"Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady,
"Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous
Lipshitz curse!"
The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?"
"Lipshitz," sighed the lady.

[FREAKZILLA]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[FREAKZILLA]

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

[FREAKZILLA]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[FREAKZILLA]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

[FREAKZILLA]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[FREAKZILLA]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[FREAKZILLA]

There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time. On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partners ashes. The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!" The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb." And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili, and the guy who worked at the morgue asked, "WHY?" and he said," So he can tear my ass up one more time."