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Old 7th August 2011, 00:02   #3741
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This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
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Old 7th August 2011, 03:43   #3742
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher, me, me!"
Teacher says, "All right, little Johnny, what is
your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's
a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No teacher, you're thinking of
a blowjob.
______________
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Old 7th August 2011, 08:11   #3743
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Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The
doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His
wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says
Bob.

'He's in my bowling team. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if
he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?' 'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I
always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then
comes over to their table, throws her arms a round Bob, starts to rub
herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance,
big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and
says, 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' The funeral for
BOB is on Friday.
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Old 7th August 2011, 14:03   #3744
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A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.

After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for."

Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too?
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn.
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Old 7th August 2011, 17:39   #3745
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." Husband said

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

But she grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,

The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."
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Old 7th August 2011, 19:56   #3746
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Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."
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Old 7th August 2011, 22:15   #3747
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....




6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Old 7th August 2011, 22:21   #3748
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Littlerewakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with
little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming
hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son...what
happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose and breakfast are on the table waiting for me?

His son replies, Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS
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Old 7th August 2011, 23:34   #3749
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I'm confused.. how can two million blacks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1 day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four days notice.
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Old 8th August 2011, 01:01   #3750
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert
it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone
oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly
DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
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