Bustergreens joke thread

[bustergreen]

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to back to the fridge.

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".

The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.

[bustergreen]

The wife was holding our twin baby boys. "Ouch!" she said "He's pinching my chin" "Which one?" I asked. "Jack" she answered. What a weird bitch I thought. She's got names for her chins.

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A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words... "Stop playing with that shotgun you little bastard".

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I went to visit my Grandma the other day, and when I got there I saw that my Granfather was all over her! Believe me that is not a sight you want to see! Besides, we had a hell of a time getting him back in the urn!

[bustergreen]

SOME THOUGHTS TO PONDER... SHIT THAT'LL KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT!
-What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
-If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
-Which letter is silent in the word "Scent", the S or the C?
-Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? (like the French do)
-Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
-Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
-The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
-Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
-Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
-Your future self is watching you right now through your memories
-If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When" you get the answer to each of them.
-Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
-If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
-Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
-At a movie theatre which arm rest is yours?
-What is Satan's last name?
-Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
-Where does the toe tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
-Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?
-If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
-Do they bury people with their braces on?
-How far east can you go before you're heading west?
-How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
-Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
-Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
-If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
-Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full of food?
-Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his friend Tonto with him?
-When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
-Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
-Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
-Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
-Is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
-Why is it that on a phone or calculator, the number five has a little dot on it?
-Can yu have square crop circles?
-If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
-Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
-Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
-If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
-Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
-Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
-If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
-If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
-Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
-Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go see a movie?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
-Do bald restaurant workers have to wear a hairnet?
-Do prison buses have emergency exits?

[bustergreen]

SOME THOUGHTS TO PONDER... SHIT THAT'LL KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT [CONTINUED]
-Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
-When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
-If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack would they try save him?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
-If parents say"Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
-Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
-If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
-Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
-Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?
-Do you yawn in your sleep?
-Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
-How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavourings.
-Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
-Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
-Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
-In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
-Why can't donuts be square?
-What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?
-If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light, is there a speed of smell?
-Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
-Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
-Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
-What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
-Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
-How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
-Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
-Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
-Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
-If one man says"it was an uphill battle" and another says"it went downhill from there" how could they both be having troubles?
-Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
-Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
-When sign makers go on strike, who makes their signs?
-Why does someone believe you when you say "there are more than four billion stars", but check when you say the paint is wet?
-Can you cry under water?
-If you blew a bubble in space, would it ever pop?
-Why do they put holes in crackers?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
-Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
-If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what colour would it turn?
-Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?