30th September 2009, 12:42 | #21 |
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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he ets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and hen when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again |
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1st October 2009, 06:33 | #22 |
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good ones buddy...Reps Added
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2nd October 2009, 13:17 | #23 |
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I hope this is in the right place:
At the nursing home one evening an old man looked over and said to an old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," said the old man. "Get serious," she replied. "Four times in the rocking chair |
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22nd October 2009, 09:39 | #24 |
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Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild." "I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore." |
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28th October 2009, 23:13 | #25 |
Thanks for the memories.
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Man's view of women drivers - Your laugh for the day!
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.. I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Stupid women drivers! |
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28th October 2009, 23:16 | #26 |
Thanks for the memories.
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Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always Died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am , regardless of Their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it Had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as To why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of Experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses Nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible Phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and Other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. |
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28th October 2009, 23:18 | #27 |
Thanks for the memories.
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Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two Of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild Amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a Killer whale ate them both. |
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28th October 2009, 23:20 | #28 |
Thanks for the memories.
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Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen Shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire Running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. |
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28th October 2009, 23:23 | #29 |
Thanks for the memories.
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Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. What? STILL having a Bad Day? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage On a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good! There now, Feeling Better? I know I am,,, |
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31st October 2009, 17:48 | #30 |
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Thought this might be apt in these straightened times.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!! NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. |
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