26th April 2008, 08:08 | #221 |
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A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have
you been?" "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis." "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?" "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money, and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks." |
26th April 2008, 08:09 | #222 |
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PICKUP LINES
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed... Do you want to see something swell? Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? Drop 'em. What do you like for breakfast? Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me? Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you? Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize? Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no.... Irish: Well, do you want some? Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? Say, didn't we go to different schools together? Wanna fuck like bunnies? Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said: Smile if you want to sleep with me then watch the victim try to hold back her smile... Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far? Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us I had a friend give a card that on the front: 1 2 3 4 Pick a number and then on the back of the card it read: Sex maniacs always pick 3 you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card. You smell wet. Let's Party. Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in your hair. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again? Hey baby, let's go make some babies. At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh? Can I help? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986. 9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines: --------------------------------- 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" 2. "Is that a false nose?" 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." 4. "I'm drunk." 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" 7. "I just threw up." 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that." Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize? I require a tissue sample. May i sever a little-used portion of your body? (brandish forceps) Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it...) Hey baby...infect me! Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!? Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley? |
26th April 2008, 08:10 | #223 |
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Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would c*m." Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? What's the matter, don't like pizza? I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime... I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. The front reads: +------------------------------------+ |No Phone No Business| | | | | | | | | | | | No Name | | | | | | | | | | | |No Address No Money| +------------------------------------+ And the back reads: +------------------------------------+ | I'M A SILENT SEDUCER | | | |Any chance to crawl in the sack with| |you tonight? | |If so, just keep the card: If not, | |kindly return it because they are | |expensive. | | | |I'm not as good as I once was. | |But I'm good once as I ever was! | | | |P.S. You don't have to say yes | | Just Smile!| +------------------------------------+ She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time? He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex? Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!! "Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children) Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun] No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!] If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want. You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone? I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Bond. James Bond. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away. Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. Excuse me, do you live around here often? Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.) Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow? You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book... So what's one more?? Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List? Your place, or mine? What's your sign? Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? |
26th April 2008, 20:37 | #224 |
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Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize? You have the ass of a great artist. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: 1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING TO ATTRACT. 2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS 3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS BIG! There's the old classic from the movie Fletch: (to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo. Your face or Mine?? Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)? Him: I like nothing better. The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left together. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it? If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me? When asked for a match: How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. Let's take a shower together --you smell. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot. I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch! Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me. Want to see my stamp collection? Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? I'd look good on you. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say, "Wanna roll?" Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet? I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else. Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses) Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) "Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet." Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?' I would kill or die to make love to you. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your measurements? |
27th April 2008, 08:08 | #225 |
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, " Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." |
27th April 2008, 10:20 | #226 |
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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?" The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in." |
27th April 2008, 21:52 | #227 |
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First Annual Kabul, Afghanistan Air Show
Citizens of Afghanistan are reportedly looking forward with great anticipation to reports of an international air show to be held in the skies over their nation. An unnamed official informed us that "Now the rest of the world will look upon our beloved city with great honor just as they do Farnborough, England and Paris, France", referring to the sites of two other famous international air shows. The exact date and time of the upcoming Kabul International Air Show has not yet been announced. It is believed that event organizers feel that such an announcement would detract from the fun of the celebration by, "spoiling the surprise". Unlike most air shows the Kabul Air Show will feature almost no static ground displays but will have an unusually high number of aerial demonstrations and fly-bys. "We are most pleased by this feature of our air show. Instead of a lot of different kinds of airplanes just sitting around on the tarmac, the aircraft attending our show will actually be up in the air demonstrating what they do best!" we were told. Participation will probably be heaviest by aircraft of the United States Air Force and Marine Corps. Including appearances by F-15's, F-16's, A-10's, B-52's and Apache helicopters. It is rumored that opening ceremonies will feature a tomahawk-cruise fireworks display. A few B-2's, and F-117A's may also help out in some unseen capacity. Several other counties have expressed an interest in sending representatives. These include all nineteen nations in the NATO alliance as well as Australia. The excitement generated for this gala event has even prompted the Israeli Air Force to apply for participation. Of course, no one is more excited than the Afghan people themselves. Great numbers of them are in the streets of Kabul looking constantly heavenward in gratitude for the historic event, which will soon take place in their skies. It has been observed that some are so concerned about missing the show that even as they bow to the East they keep snatching worried glances towards the West. Thousands, in fact, have been seen leaving the city and fleeing to the mountains carrying food and blankets - obviously anxious to get a good vantage point for the air show, and to make a picnic of it |
28th April 2008, 04:59 | #228 |
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Boobs
(o)(o) perfect breasts ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts (*)(*) high nipple breasts (@)(@) big nipple breasts oo a cups { O }{ O } d cups (oYo) wonder bra breasts ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts (o)(O) lopsided breasts (Q)(O) pierced breasts (p)(p) hanging tassels breasts \o/\o/ Grandma's breasts ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts |o||o| android breasts ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts |
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28th April 2008, 05:01 | #229 |
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NBA
Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the lock-out. But now you can help! For about $684.93 a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it only totals the yearly league minimum, but it's a start. $2000.00 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned. For a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. ___YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: { } Starter { } Reserve { } Star* { } Superstar** { } Entire team*** { } I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost ** Much higher cost *** Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders). Please charge the account listed below $684.93 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. { } MasterCard { } Visa { } American Express { } DiscoverCard { } Diner's Club Your Name: __________________________ Telephone Number: __________________________ Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________ Signature: __________________________ Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible. |
28th April 2008, 07:28 | #230 |
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A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly. WHACK! The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!" |
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