Jokes From Around The Net

[OldBoots]

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00!
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about
the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

[redsox1211]

A guy goes to the doctor one day with a stomach ache. After describing the symptoms to the doctor, the doctor diagnoses him with a rare bug that needed treatment and the only way to treat it was with a enema. The guy drops his pants, the doctor says "bite your lip", and proceeds to give him the enema. The doctor then tells him that he needs to take another enema in a week's time to complete the treatment. When a week goes by, the man asks his wife to help give him the enema. He drops his pants, she puts her hand on his shoulder and says "bite your lip" then puts the enema in. He starts screaming AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. She says "omg, did I hurt you?" He replies "no. I just realized that when the doctor gave me the first enema, he had both hands on my shoulders".

[OldBoots]

Monkey at the Bar

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your Monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.” The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

[OldBoots]

A Nice Old Story

My grandmother died in the 60s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5c she gave me for small jobs like pulling weeds or watering her flowers.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 coke bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft voice, 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[redsox1211]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more
time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that
he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more
time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's
down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you
think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, I have to get up
in the morning....... you don't.'

[OldBoots]

Why Ethel Changed Motels

Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone-books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone-book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Terry - a very handsome man, with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled butt. .


. . . She figured, “What the heck, no-one will ever know! I’ll give him a call.”

“Good evening Ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my! He sounded sooooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.


“Hi. I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait. I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone, and all I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring toys. Rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I’m ready! Now, how does that sound?”


He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic. But you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

[redsox1211]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class

section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently

wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman

sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently

once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious

about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before

she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than

before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and

said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,

wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;

whenever I sneeze I have an o*gasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never

heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for

it?"

“Yes – Pepper”!'''

[Yuan24]

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

[Namcot]

"I 'm lonely," Adam complained to God in the Garden
of Eden. "I need someone to keep me company."
"No problem," replied God. "I'm going to create the
perfect mate for you, Adam. She will be beautiful,
intelligent, gracious and loving. She'll be a great cook
and a wonderful mother. She'll keep your home spotless,
and she'll never talk back. How does that sound?"
"Sounds great!" said Adam. "But what's she gonna
cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
"Jeez, that's pretty steep, God," countered Adam.
"What can I get for just a rib?"

Well, that explains everything for the last 1.8 million years .... We could had gotten a mate that didn't talk back ....

[Aaron23062]

I heard on the radio that Washington state has become the first to allow human corpse composting. Perhaps their new state motto should be...wait for it...

Washington: The Zombie Apocalypse Ends Here