1st December 2008, 21:09 | #11 |
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Three men died on Christmas Day and were met by Saint Peter at thePearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each beCarrying something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. HeFlicked it on. "The flame represents a Christmas candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.He shook them and said, "These represent Christmas bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and pulled out a thong. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And justWhat are those?" The man replied, "These are Carol's."
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2nd December 2008, 06:19 | #12 |
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Christmas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing... then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out. PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS 1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you... A. Jump out of bed shouting "Santa's here!" B. Jump out of bed shouting "What the %&!@ was that?!" C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps. 2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: "On..." A. "a gada da vida." B. "top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese..." C. "Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!" 3: By the way, what is a Blitzen? A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum. B. Isn't it that thing they serve with jam at a deli? C. A reindeer, stupid! 4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means... A. He's Santa! B. He's got a facial tick! C. He's gonna show you the candy cane he's got hidden in his pants! 5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come? A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she's in the mood. B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft... Easter. C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep. PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS 6: It's December 23 and you finally realize you'd better buy some gifts. What do you do? A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right? B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have. C. Rush to the liquor store. You can't go wrong with vodka! 7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is... A. Why you don't believe in God anymore. B. Politics. C. The weather. 8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don't want to answer, you... A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff. B. Say "oh look, an elf" and hide while she's distracted. C. Lie and hope she's had so much spiked eggnog that she won't remember a thing in the morning. 9: The family's singing "Deck The Halls." When you get to "Don we now our gay apparel," your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he's been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You... A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities. B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him! C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone's mind off it. 10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is... A. It's A Wonderful Life... because they expect it. B. It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown... because it's the only video left in the store. C. ID4... because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine. SCORING THE QUIZ: As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below. 10-22 Points: In the words of Mr. T., "I pity the fool" who gets this score. You're in for a bad X-mas. We're talking a riding in the black van in "Twister" kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn't count on it. 24-38 Points: You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You're going to need it. 40-50 Points: You're at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it... It's not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt. |
2nd December 2008, 06:20 | #13 |
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A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?". "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl. "But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says, "No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
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2nd December 2008, 16:45 | #14 |
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BIN LADEN CANCELS AL QUAEDA HOLIDAY PARTY
> > Evildoers' Bash Had Been a Tora Bora Tradition > > A sheepish Osama bin Laden announced last night that the al Quaeda Holiday > Party, traditionally a high point of the Tora Bora social calendar, would not > take place this year because of "scheduling and budgetary issues." > > In a memo that went out late last night to all of the top evildoers in the al > Quaeda terror network, bin Laden said that he had hoped to be able to throw > the party this year, but his busy schedule had prevented him from doing the > necessary planning. > > "As any of you who've seen me running around the last few weeks know, I've > been pretty crazed," bin Laden explained in the memo. > > The al Quaeda holiday party has, in the past, been an opportunity for bin > Laden to relax with his fellow nihilistic terror-peddlers, as well as to > boost morale. > > Last year's event, for example, saw bin Laden giving one of his underlings > the coveted "Terrorist of the Year" award, a deluxe Craftsman tool set. > > The party also featured a popular karaoke contest in which al Quaeda members > vied with each other in performing spirited renditions of songs by the pop > group ABBA. > > But all of that frivolity is temporarily on hold, according to the bin Laden > memo. > > "To all of those who were looking forward to this year's party, let me just > say, I'm really bummed, too," bin Laden said in the memo. "Maybe next year." > > Throughout the caves of Tora Bora, al Quaeda members expressed shock and > outrage that the holiday party had been cancelled. > > "We bust our asses all year, and this is the thanks we get?" said Dave, who > works in al Quaeda's accounting department. "The only reason I joined al > Quaeda was because I heard the parties were bodacious." > > But Cheryl, an employee in al Quaeda's human resources department, was more > philosophical about the cancellation. > > "Sure, I'm a little pissed," she said. "But I guess it wouldn't have been > much of a party without electricity and water, anyhow." |
2nd December 2008, 19:48 | #15 |
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The Top 14 Lewd Holiday Songs
14 A Lay In a Manger 13 Oh Tanned Bum, Oh Tanned Bum 12 Hot Breasts, Ye Merry Gentleman! 11 Sniffy, The Red-Assed Christmas Baboon 10 Messiah's Handle 9 I Saw Mommy Whipping Santa Claus 8 Hump! The Horny Angels Schwing 7 O Christmas Tree... Oh, yes... Oh, yes... YES!! YES!!!! 6 The Little Hummer Boy 5 God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen -- For 20 Minutes, Then We Shoot the 3-Way 4 Pet it Slow, Pet it Slow, Pet it Slow 3 O Little Town of S&M 2 Grandma Got Bent Over By A Reindeer 1 Frosty the SheMan |
2nd December 2008, 22:03 | #16 |
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The Night befo Cirzzmus.
Last edited by FREAKZILLA; 2nd December 2008 at 22:09.
Wus DA night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru DA hood, Everybody be sleepin' and DA sleepin' be good. We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, Dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks. All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow, My sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe. Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all When I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be DA law". I pulled the sheet off DA windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant of me. But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats. Now over all of DA years, Santy Claws he be white, But it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight. Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, And whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name. On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too. Obama landed dat melon, right there in DA street, I knowed it of sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!. Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked DA lock on my doe, An I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"! He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck. But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit. Den, wif my crap in his bag, out DA windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too. He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, And waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch". So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit ! |
3rd December 2008, 00:44 | #17 |
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Redneck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'Cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin' down his chin Was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung By the chimney with care, And therefore there was A foul stench in the air. That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11 Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls So they let them be. They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all. Bubba said to the young'uns, "Now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw." Maw was expecting And needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door Without making a peep. They all looked around, And then they all spit. The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?" Bubba just stared He could not say a word. This was just like all of The stories he'd heard. It was Santy Claus On the roof, darn tootin' But the boys didn't know They was about to start shootin'! They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake That would have resulted In venison steak. Bubba hollered out, "Don't shoot, boys!" That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys. The dogs were a-barkin' And a-raisin' cain, And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name: "Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe! Git, Turnip and Tater And Sam and Bosco!" "Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall! Quit shakin the trailer, Or you'll make Santy fall!" The dogs kept a-barkin' And wouldn't shut up, And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup. Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys. Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys. Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die. He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry. The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry. Just as the reindeer Got into the air, The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn't care. He was busy lookin' At all his new toys. Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys: "Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she's all right. That roof fallin' on her Could-a hurt just a might." But Maw was OK, And the girls were too. They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new. And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick, But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick! Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too. And the Taylors and I wish A Merry Christmas to you! |
3rd December 2008, 05:08 | #18 |
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T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the house, Everybody felt shitty Even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse And Dad smoking Grass, I'd just settled down For a nice piece of ass. When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my peice To see what was the matter. Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I know in a moment It must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney Like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment The fucker had fell. He filled all our stockings With pretzels and beer, And a big rubber dick For my brother, The Queer. He rose up the chimney With a thunderous fart, The son of a bitch Blew the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed As he rode out of sight, Piss on you all And have a hell of a night. |
3rd December 2008, 12:21 | #19 |
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Little Johnny has a swearing problem and his father has had enough, so he decides to go to a shrink to solve the problem.
He asks the shrink: "My son has a problem with foul language, can you suggest anything?" The shrink replies, "Well Christmas is coming up, so I say leave a pile of dog poop instead of what he really wants." The father gets home and Johnny says to him, "When I wake up on Christmas, I want to wake up to a god damn teddy bear. When I go downstairs, I want to see a god damn train circling the god damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a god damn bicycle leaning against the god damn garage." Christmas morning arrives. Johnny wakes up and rolls over a pile of dog poop. Confused, he goes downstairs and sees a big pile of dog poop under the tree. He then goes to look outside and sees another pile of dog poop next to the garage. The father goes downstairs and asks, "So, what'd Santa leave you?" Johnny responds, "I think I got a god damn dog but I can't find the son of a bitch!" |
3rd December 2008, 17:14 | #20 |
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On the first day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to
me... One little ol' Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the second day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... 2mg of Narcan for the out of work person who wants to end it all by taking her husband's pain pills and won't tell me what she took and is feeling suicidal, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the third day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Three stacked shocks for the 88 year old man who instead of paying the neighbor kid 5 bucks to shovel his driveway, decided to do it himself and have the big one in the driveway, 2mg of Narcan for the psycho chick trying to off herself, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the fourth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... 4 in the morning I have to go to the nursing home because someone has had the flu for like 16 years and all of a sudden needs to go to the hospital NOW, Three stacked shocks for the full arrested popsicle, 2mg of Narcan for morphine eating Momma, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the fifth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Five minutes to eat! 4am shuttle call, Three stacked shocks, 2mg of Narcan, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the sixth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Six run reports behind because the computer guy can't fix the system, Five Minutes to eat!!!!!!!!!! 4 am Shuttle, 3 zaps to the chest, Gonna have a stomach pumped, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the Seventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Seven car pile-up while everyone was trying to beat the light so they can get into Wal Mart the day after Thanksgiving thinking there is only 4 dancing Elmo Dolls, Six reports behind, Five minutes to eat! 4am is way to early, 3 stacked shocks, 2 of Narcan pushed, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the eighth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Eight flights of steps to walk up to get the 400 pound person who is having shortness of breath since LAST Christmas and can't walk...oh, and of course, the elevator doesn't work, 7 cars a crunching, Six reports a writing, Five minutes to eat! 4 AM shuttle, CPR in progress, 2mg of Narcan, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the ninth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Nine blankets needed to cover up grandpa because he is freezing and we aren't even out of the house yet but thinks he will get pneumonia and die for all of the 10 seconds we are outside, Eight flights of stairs, Should have stayed home and bought it off of Ebay, Six reports I'm writing, Five minutes to eat! What the Hell time is it, Should have paid the kid, 2mg of Narcan, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the tenth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... Ten minutes till I can get a bed in the ER because the nurses are busy figuring out who is going to lunch next, Nine blankets needed, Hope fire department is coming, 7 cars a crunching, Six reports I need to write, Five minutes to eat! Can't you wait till morning, Stick a fork in him, he's done, Man I hope she shuts up,. And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me.... Eleven times I tried to get the heat to work in the back of the truck and maintenance won't take the truck in, Ten minutes waiting, Nine blankets needed, Eight flights of steps to climb, Hope you have Progressive, Give me a new ink pen, Five minutes to eat! 4am is early, 3 leads all show he's dead, 2mg won't touch her, And Grandma who fell and hurt her knee. On the twelfth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me... A 12 Gauge IV needle that I put into the drunk 19 year old who tried to swing at me, It's really freezing, Hope you choke on your sandwich, 9 blankets for grandpa, How did you get up here in the first place, Man your husband is gonna be pissed, Six reports STILL down, Five minutes to eat! Better than taking them back, Hope I recorded the code, Man, just pass out already, And Grandma who fell and hit her knee. Merry Christmas!!! |
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